Short Back And Sides For Me Please

Contributed by tedioustantrums

There are days when I hear something on the news and I wonder what’s going on. There have been several of those days recently. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was all on the same topic but it’s been items from all over the place.

Today's was BO (Barack Obama) telling the EU that their financial crisis should be addressed sooner rather than later. Really? This is a man who is convinced that throwing money at any problem is the way to go. Not to worry though, his days in office are numbered. What will the next occupant of the oval office do when they sit down at their new desk and BO has left a note saying – no cash left, ha, ha! They’ll reach for another note that’s been left by the Chinese saying – We own you, phone us when you get a moment as we have an offer you can’t refuse. What an interesting moment that will be. Bowel control will be all… at that moment to avoid an inelegant occurrence.

The EU is a big mess. Our politicians tell us we have to be in it and stay in it because it’s our biggest market. There isn’t going to be much of a market soon. We are in hock for as long as we can imagine. We can’t trade our way out because we don’t actually make much of anything these days. Just today three thousand people working in manufacturing won’t be anymore very soon. Although there are bright spots in UK manufacturing there are too few and they are too small.

No, the next biggest achievement that our great country (the UK) is going to take part in is hairdressing. I’ve always considered hairdressing to be a pretty safe job. I mean we all have hair, pretty much anyway, and it needs cut fairly often. So this could be a canny move. The pity of it is though not a single hair on a single head will even come close to a pair of scissors. No. This hairdressing is not for the faint hearted it’s for the con men and con ladies.

Apparently, the Greeks and some of the other Euro zone countries are going to have a haircut or a trim. This is the grand throwaway term for an orderly mass default. The figure being reported is between 30%-50% of debt will be written off. The banks will get burned but they will be able to use money provided by central banks so it won’t be a total loss. The Greeks and the other countries will be able to afford their hugely reduced debt burden and people can trade bits of paper for large wads of cash which they can spend on other bits of papers which they will sell to their mates until the music stops again. What a wizard wheeze! No one has tried that before. It’s bound to work. Of course it will. A man on the telly will tell us so. And we will believe him because he’s on the BBC and they know stuff.

Where will the Central Banks get the money? They’ll print more. There’s money to be made in printing money you know. Now there may be a slight surge in inflation. I say slight but it might be large, well it’s almost bound to be large isn’t it? I’m going to get an application in soon for 50% of my debt to be written off like that too. I’d encourage you to do the same. It’s a great idea. It’ll offset our inflation, we’ll have more money to spend and we’ll have more money for them to tax. Works for everyone really.

So BO, the EU has a plan. Many great minds came together to think this up including “Call me Dave” and trustworthy, confidence inspiring and man of the people George Osborne, that wee French guy and Anglia Meercat. The flashy Italian guy is with one of his nieces and the Spanish chap is a bit busy at the moment, he has to learn to do some really complicated juggling. The Irish guy has been keeping a low profile over the past week or so as he’s expecting a visit from a politician from Belfast. Can’t think why that would be worrisome. Can you?

Let’s get back to the normal quality news. Things like the world is going to end because a washed up American politician says the weather is a bit blowy and balmy, a Russian politician has had a face lift, a girlie, almost but not quite, celeb may well marry someone very rich, a lady has been to a wedding again and taken her very splendid bottom with her, Boris hasn’t been in the news for a couple of days.

A rare bird, generally called a Turkey, was thought to have suffered an unprecedented drop in their population numbers last November/December. However, the scientists who made this discovery are now saying the turkey isn’t as rare as it was thought to be. They have confirmed, after counting them again recently, that numbers have returned to previous levels although they have concerns that a similar drop in numbers may take place in November due to climate change. The scientists are asking for additional funds to carry out further research (and Christmas is coming and it’s an expensive time).

Now that is real journalism.

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