That said, I have sworn myself to be non-sweary whilst putting my cyber pen to Subrosa's cyber paper, so there shouldn't be any need to check the battery in your pacemaker or to reach for the inhaler ;-)
So, where were we?
Were you born before 1986?
According to the Nanny State and her Righteous followers, those of us who were children in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived because our baby cots were coated with brightly coloured lead based paint, which we often chewed and licked.
We had no child proof lids on medicine bottles or latches on doors and cabinets and it was fine to play with pots and pans. When we were in our early teens we were allowed to bleach our jeans, ourselves.
When we rode our bikes, we didn't wear helmets just flip flops and cardboard 'flickers' on our wheels. We would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags and to sit in the front passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted good. We shared one drink with five friends, from one bottle or can, and none of us actually died as a result.
We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank 'pop' with sugar in it but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing with our mates.
We would spend hours and hours building go carts out of scrap wood and pram wheels and then went full tilt down a hill, only to realise that we had forgotten the brakes. So, after running into the stinging nettles a few times we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and were allowed to play all day as long as we were back before it got dark. Nobody was able to get in touch with us and no one minded.
We didn't have a Playstation or an XBox, in fact, no type of video games at all. Only 3 channels on the TV, no video tapes, no surround sound, no mobile phones and no personal computers. We had friends. We just went out and found them.
We played football and rounders and sometimes that ball really hurt! We fell out of trees, grazed our knees, broke bones but no one got sued. We had fist fights but our parents were never prosecuted by other kids' parents. We played 'knock and run' and were genuinely afraid of the house owners catching us.
We walked to friends houses. We also walked to school, we didn't wait for mummy to take us even though it was just around the corner. If it was raining, we just got wet.
We made up games with sticks, tennis balls and piles of coats. We rode our bikes in packs of 8 or 9 and only wore our coats by the hoods.
Our parents never bailed us out if we broke the law, they sided with it. Our generation has produced some of the best risk takers, problem solvers and inventors, ever. Over the past 40 years or so there has been an abundance of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility. We learned how to deal with it all.
If you were born after 1986 you will never have heard 'We Are The World, We Are The Children'. The only 'Uptown Girl' you know is by Westlife and not Billy Joel. You will never have heard of Marc Bolan, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.
For you there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. Aids has 'appeared' since you were born and so have CDs. Michael Jackson was always white. John Travolta has always been a fat guy to you and not the 'God of Dance'.
You also believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films. You will never have pretended to be the A-Team or the Famous Five. You will never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You?
You can't believe that we ever had black and white televisions and you will never understand how we could 'go out' without a mobile phone. You can never imagine life without computers.
If you were born before 1986 you will have understood everything that I have said and will probably have smiled. Your friends will all be married and you need to sleep more these days, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
When you see kids with mobile phones you shake your head and 'tut'. You are always astounded to see young children so at ease with computers.
You may have remembered Dirty Den the first time he was on Eastenders. You still meet up with your friends from time to time, discuss the good old days and repeat stories about the things that you experienced together.
I was born in the 1960's.
It's no wonder that I have become a Grumpy Old Tw*t!
That is all.