Couldn’t resist this one. Hope it makes you smile .
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Saturday, 27 June 2015
Saturday, 25 October 2014
Monday, 22 July 2013
Tuesday, 16 July 2013
Thursday, 13 June 2013
Talking Animals
A lighthearted post this morning. I'm applied my own captions but I'm sure yours will be much better.
No! We don't want any magazine subscriptions!
I hate this game
Sunday, 2 June 2013
Guess The Tune
This couple got married in France. The bride wrote on the YouTube page:
"... he was the chair of the local organist society so we assumed he would be ok. Of course we had no idea what the going rate for an organist is. I can assure you we didn't shop around in the bargain basement looking for the cheapest option! Anyway, as said, it didn't spoil the day, it was just 'different'. :-)"
Very different!
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
Thoughts
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realised that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years,
While a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet lives for 150 years.
And I'm told to exercise? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
The good fortune to remember the ones I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1 I started out with nothing and still have most of it.
2 My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and All Bran.
3 I finally got my head together and now my body's falling apart.
4 Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost then where is it?
6 It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.
7 Some days you're the top dog. Some days you're the hydrant.
8 I wish the buck really did stop here. I could use a few of them.
9 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
10 The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
11 If God wanted me to touch my toes he'd have put them on my knees.
12 When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
13 It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
14 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
15 These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something then wonder what I'm 'here after'.
16 Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
Friday, 3 May 2013
Monday, 15 April 2013
An Idea For Budding Entrepreneurs
With a few adjustments, such as a safety bar to avoid the feet contacting the blades, I think this would be the answer for all those males who spend hundreds of pounds buying ride on mowers. The only problem I foresee is that it wouldn't be suitable for a small lawn.
Thursday, 11 April 2013
A Husband's Point Of View
The Author? No
Pam Ayres is not the author of this ditty. It is the work of John Summers who kindly provided this link.
Pam Ayres is not the author of this ditty. It is the work of John Summers who kindly provided this link.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Friday, 5 April 2013
Thursday, 24 January 2013
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Wednesday, 5 December 2012
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
I Dare You Not To Smile
Perhaps some of you missed this video which is 'doing the rounds', so do enjoy. Leo's Mum, who took it while he was sitting in his car seat, uploaded it to Youtube in 2009 but it's been hidden away until now.
I dare you not to smile.
Friday, 16 November 2012
Friday, 5 October 2012
Carnation Milk In 1947
Whether this is a true story or not, I hope it brightens your day.
A little old lady from Jervois had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all'.
She thought to herself, "I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!" She sent in her entry and several weeks later a black limo pulled up in front of her house.
A man got out and said, "The makers of Carnation loved your entry so much. We are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it."
I can't imagine such largess happening today, can you?
A little old lady from Jervois had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all'.
She thought to herself, "I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!" She sent in her entry and several weeks later a black limo pulled up in front of her house.
A man got out and said, "The makers of Carnation loved your entry so much. We are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it."
I can't imagine such largess happening today, can you?
Wednesday, 5 September 2012
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
Thursday, 19 July 2012
The Long Nose Story
After yesterday's rain I thought a little humour would be appropriate today.
Sadly there aren't many recordings of Chic Murray's radio or television shows available online but I hope this one makes you smile.
"I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly."
Chic Murray 1919 - 1985
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