A Christmas Day Email

Please accept without obligation, either express or implied, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice, celebrated according to the most enjoyable traditions, religious beliefs or secular practices of your choice, with due respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions of any kind at all;

AND

a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures, whose contributions to civilisation are also acknowledged, and without regard to race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious belief, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation.

Disclaimer

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting the following terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others; is void where prohibited by law; and is revocable at the sole discretion of the originator. This greeting is warranted valid within the standard parameters of well-wishing for a period of one calendar year, or until the issuance of a subsequent greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this greeting or issuance of a new greeting at the sole discretion of the originator, who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the seasonal holiday spirit.

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of his email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word "absquatulation" has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the Westie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please note that it was your fault.

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