Greeting from sunny Kobnhavn and The 2009 Global Central Heating Conference and yes, it is snowing so, Big Al etc, where is my sun tan you promised me?
How are all my fans in North Britainshire?
Here in Kobnhavn, The World Global Central Heating Conference is in full swingers except, that it is not really!
The Dansk Politie has been the real party poopers and beat the brown gris stuff out the protesters but, that doesn’t matter so much because, that is their constitutional right as, most of them are from Germany. It is just like the old wars between us and our southern neighbours. I think you ay understand that Anglophile fans.
I have been really busy. In fact I have been swept off my feet with all the visitors to my dress making salon.
That nice Mr Maddogs from The Hootsman has been here again, several times, and I think we need to get that dress ready for him to take back to his castle in Edinburgh.
I was “talking” to the Chinese Ambassador yesterday and he says that China will sign nothing on Friday except the press release that Gordon Brown will use to tell everybody that he did save the Whale World at Kobnhavn 2009. The Chinese say that you anglophiles will believe everything that your State-run media services tell you; unlike the Chinese who believe nothing they are told. No foolies, the Chinese?
Despite all the mayhem from non Nordic berserkers besieging the Bella Center life, here in my 24 hour seamstress shop, continues at maximum knots. If only I could risk turning on the webcam!
That nice Mr Mugabe has arrived and we did not arrest him despite Europol having a warrant for that. Apparently he and his 59 co-delegates have United Nations diplomatic immunity as, Ban Ki Moon himself organised the whole pastry fight at the Bella Center. Unfortunately for Morgan Tsvangirai, the Zimbabwean Prime Minister, there was not enough room for him in Mr Mugabe’s private jet so to economise he had to say at home.
Talking of economies, many of the delegates from soon to be rich countries have been spending their Danegelt before the vote has been taken to give them any. One delegate told me that the question is not if but, how much and when. Until then, there is always Mastercard. There is more than a faint hint of melted Mastercard polluting our clean Nordic air this month, especially in here. Our EPOS terminal has been replaced twice because it has burned out with over use.
We Danes know how to keep our environment clean. Did you know that we have more big windmills generators per person than any other country in the World. Fantastiks but, the real reason we have them is to blow all the smell of our pig shit into Germany, where it belongs. We have 50 million four legged pigs in Denmark and only 5 million citizens. Mr Maddogs told me it is the same in your Britisch Islands, 5 million citizens and 50 million pigs? So far, we have had no cancelations from some special countries despite our love of pigs and political cartoons. Maybe CO2 subsidies are a stronger faith belief system?
We are trying very hard to keep clean our air and the fleet of chauffeur driven Volvo limousines used to ferry delegates around Kobnhavn, run on alcohol, or at least 85% pure alcohol. A Ukrainian delegate told me this morning that it was quite refined and easily drinkable. That nice Lord Monktowns told me last night, or was it this morning, that CO2 is not a real problem, there is no global warming and even if there was, the CO2 for alcohol is the same-ish as from Benzin. The alcohol, made from good Danish biological something costs four times the benzin sucked from the ground and then, even without tax. We pay a lot of tax in Danmark but, so long as the farmers are happy, I say, held og lykke!
The alcohol is made by our big energy group, Dong. If I lean back far enough and look out the window and I can see one of twoDong’s big coal electrical plants in Kobnhavn and, if I look into the reception area behind me I can see Mr Maddogs, or as we call him Mr Donkey Dong, is back again. Such a greedy boy he is too. We are also awaiting with eagernesses the fishy footballer Jim Baxter along with pimply buttocked Last of The Few.
These 30 Volvo S80s and 10 Volvo V70s black limos all have one person in them, apart from the drivers and the free buses laid on for the delegates run normally with only one person, the bus chauffeur! They have a big sign saying “ikke i rute” which means “not is service” which really sums up this pastry fight. Who says we Danes don’t do irony?
So how do the delegates get to the Bella Center? I don’t know but, I think no body actually goes there except the people speaking and their courtesans. Whenever I get the chance to see it in DK1 it always looks empty. Maybe it is like that fake Moon landing or maybe they all use helicopters like Prince Charles?
Some of the delegates, who have been using these black Volvos, think this is how all Danes live. I have to tell them that the free goes they get from my girls are not paid by the Danish NHS. So far, we have had 63 requests for political asylum from the delegates including the official delegate of Wales.
Some of these delegates think that the Volvos are theirs to keep, or is it the chauffeuses they want, and we have had to activate the satellite trackers on 14 of them before they crossed into Germany on their way home, the ecological way.
Undskyld mig, I have to go, Gordon is back for his bottle and comforter and he promised to bring Big Al back. Together they could just maybe save the Whale.
I promise to post a last report after this Global Central Heating Conference No 15 is over and before No 16 is announced for Mexico. You heard is here first! I am reading up on my Spanish and maybe cousin Lars will be there too. If he is, he can explain what he means by “long in white powder. “
Mit luftpudefartøj er fyldt med ål
Dansk Pastry (Mrs)
For Jim Baxter xxx