Global Central Heating Conference

Hej Velkommen til Subrosa’s blog and no, I am not Subrosa on Carlsberg Specials.

I am Subrosa’s cousin from Kobnhavn and just filling the breeches for her as she takes a lille break. I speak, like all good Danes five languages but sometimes I get mange upside down and confused but I am sure we will find some sort of common language. Mange Tak!

Jeg hedder, Dansk Pastry (Mrs) and this is my photograph in case we should ever meet, if you come to Danmark, especially during The Global Central Heating Conference next week.

Some of you near non Nordic neighbours may be wondering just how Subrosa and I can be related and having seen her photograph on the blog I would be too?

It is all perfectly normal and a bit of a dark secret in our extended family. It involves Mor’s Far, who was a sailor, and some sort of knee trembling Scottish Highland dance behind Sweaty Bettie’s Bar in a high class area of Glasgow called The Broomielaw; where the lawyers “hing oot,” I am told, after a hard days lawyering. Anyway 2^nd cousin Senga is Subrosa’s auntie or is it the other way round. As we say in Danish, bunden i vejret eller resten i håret, if we are inside out.

And now to business, please use the shower behind the curtain and I’ll be right with you. Oops sorry this is a blog, not my normal business as a seamstress.

Well, Kobenhavn is all a twitter as we wait for the foreigners to arrive for the Global Central Heating Conference. There have been many advance partys here already and boy, do these delegates like to party! All sorts of ages, shapes and hues are milling around our bars, up and down Stroget melting their United Nations IPCC Platinum cards. That alone must have added 2 Celsius degrees to the downtown night temperature. We love them all.

We love them all except our party pooper Kobnhavn Mayor, Ritt Bjerrgaard who has sent mange postcards to all the hotels asking the delegates “Be sustainable----don’t buy sex.”

He says, “Dear hotel owner, we would to urge you not to arrange contacts between hotel guests and prostitutes.”

The cheek of the little man, in more than one way, according to Jytte S. We may be very socialist in Danmark but we also embrace capitalist principals and this sort of Government intervention in the free market destroys our jobs and drives us into the hands of the wicked State social workers who, believe me, are really weird, in every possible way.

Anyway, the sisters are offering a free go to any delegate who turns up with his Conference accreditation and a copy of the Mayor’s letter. So far all the takers this last week have been men who speak Danish very well, except for a Mr Maddogs, from Scotland, who was a journalist for your Hootsmon newspaper. What a beard he has too. We like to do our best in Carbon offsetting.

I thought I had seen it all but that delegation of social workers from Dundee, last year, were way beyonf the Kattegat. The animals are OK now, but I am not so sure about the Scottish Social Work Director, not from Dundee but some place called Hameldaeme, who especially asked for a Great Dane and was given Rex. He seemed to like the bites, the Director that is.

To return to the fun and games here, The Speaker, no, not your John Jerkoff, our one, Thor Pedersen has nearly blown the fest out of the Skattegatt by saying that Global Warming is a dangerous unsubstantiated theory and it has entered the political arena without real scientific scrutiny. Another party pooper!

I am happy to say that this has not buggered the gravy ferry so far and, it seems that politicians, once they have made their minds up, are very reluctant to change money wells. Great, Champagne all-round or, as we say in Danish, “Det herre betaler for alt” Happy daze!

I have just read that Al Gore, Nobel Laureat and Order of The Whale, has cancelled his trip to The World Central Heating Warming Conference and has other things to do instead like inventing the Internet. I will miss Big Al very personally as we have been known to do a bit of exotic Carbon Offsetting before. He is getting bigger by the day and I wonder if it wouldn’t be better for him to get out of the Global Central Heating Warming business and get into saving the whale. It might be to his better advantage to do as he looks more like a beached whale every day. I think he is long in Carbon Credits but I am sure they could be converted into whale vouchers. If anyone can, Al can.

Cousin Lars, not the same side of the family as Subrosa, used to work in London and Paris selling carbon offsets for Big Al until he found a better way to make even more money! He has developed something he calls a Carbon Carousel. He just sells the credits round and round and round and round and round in the EU until he collects an enormous Moms cheque (Vat to you Anglophiles) and then disappears. He says he has skimmed over £20 billion just from this business strategy, just before his lille scheme was stopped by the British Customs and French Fisc., and has just bought Guatemala. No one bothered to tell the Danes about this and the business plan continued here in Danmark until the Dansk Skat closed the carousel doors down. Another 7 months of making of virtual herring fishing and only yesterday the Danish Skat c;losed down the fishing ground but Lars had looted another seven billion Dansk Kroener by then. Gordon and Nicolas S. will be getting the cold shoulder this week from the Danish Prime Minister I think. I wonder if Big Al was into this one too?

Anyway, cousin Lars is looking for agents in Europe for his next new business venture. He is long in something called white powder he tells me. I don’t know what he means.

Time to go Anglophiles, someone is knocking on the door and the rocking horse with nappies is not yet set up.

Mit luftpudefartøj er fyldt med ål

Glædelig jul og godt nytår

Danish kisses to all

(Mrs) Dansk Pastry

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