Monday, 7 December 2009

Global Central Heating Conference

Hej Velkommen til Subrosa’s blog and no, I am not Subrosa on Carlsberg Specials.

I am Subrosa’s cousin from Kobnhavn and just filling the breeches for her as she takes a lille break. I speak, like all good Danes five languages but sometimes I get mange upside down and confused but I am sure we will find some sort of common language. Mange Tak!

Jeg hedder, Dansk Pastry (Mrs) and this is my photograph in case we should ever meet, if you come to Danmark, especially during The Global Central Heating Conference next week.

Some of you near non Nordic neighbours may be wondering just how Subrosa and I can be related and having seen her photograph on the blog I would be too?

It is all perfectly normal and a bit of a dark secret in our extended family. It involves Mor’s Far, who was a sailor, and some sort of knee trembling Scottish Highland dance behind Sweaty Bettie’s Bar in a high class area of Glasgow called The Broomielaw; where the lawyers “hing oot,” I am told, after a hard days lawyering. Anyway 2nd cousin Senga is Subrosa’s auntie or is it the other way round. As we say in Danish, bunden i vejret eller resten i håret, if we are inside out.

And now to business, please use the shower behind the curtain and I’ll be right with you. Oops sorry this is a blog, not my normal business as a seamstress.

Well, Kobenhavn is all a twitter as we wait for the foreigners to arrive for the Global Central Heating Conference. There have been many advance partys here already and boy, do these delegates like to party! All sorts of ages, shapes and hues are milling around our bars, up and down Stroget melting their United Nations IPCC Platinum cards. That alone must have added 2 Celsius degrees to the downtown night temperature. We love them all.

We love them all except our party pooper Kobnhavn Mayor, Ritt Bjerrgaard who has sent mange postcards to all the hotels asking the delegates “Be sustainable----don’t buy sex.”

He says, “Dear hotel owner, we would to urge you not to arrange contacts between hotel guests and prostitutes.”

The cheek of the little man, in more than one way, according to Jytte S. We may be very socialist in Danmark but we also embrace capitalist principals and this sort of Government intervention in the free market destroys our jobs and drives us into the hands of the wicked State social workers who, believe me, are really weird, in every possible way.

Anyway, the sisters are offering a free go to any delegate who turns up with his Conference accreditation and a copy of the Mayor’s letter. So far all the takers this last week have been men who speak Danish very well, except for a Mr Maddogs, from Scotland, who was a journalist for your Hootsmon newspaper. What a beard he has too. We like to do our best in Carbon offsetting.

I thought I had seen it all but that delegation of social workers from Dundee, last year, were way beyonf the Kattegat. The animals are OK now, but I am not so sure about the Scottish Social Work Director, not from Dundee but some place called Hameldaeme, who especially asked for a Great Dane and was given Rex. He seemed to like the bites, the Director that is.

To return to the fun and games here, The Speaker, no, not your John Jerkoff, our one, Thor Pedersen has nearly blown the fest out of the Skattegatt by saying that Global Warming is a dangerous unsubstantiated theory and it has entered the political arena without real scientific scrutiny. Another party pooper!

I am happy to say that this has not buggered the gravy ferry so far and, it seems that politicians, once they have made their minds up, are very reluctant to change money wells. Great, Champagne all-round or, as we say in Danish, “Det herre betaler for alt” Happy daze!

I have just read that Al Gore, Nobel Laureat and Order of The Whale, has cancelled his trip to The World Central Heating Warming Conference and has other things to do instead like inventing the Internet. I will miss Big Al very personally as we have been known to do a bit of exotic Carbon Offsetting before. He is getting bigger by the day and I wonder if it wouldn’t be better for him to get out of the Global Central Heating Warming business and get into saving the whale. It might be to his better advantage to do as he looks more like a beached whale every day. I think he is long in Carbon Credits but I am sure they could be converted into whale vouchers. If anyone can, Al can.

Cousin Lars, not the same side of the family as Subrosa, used to work in London and Paris selling carbon offsets for Big Al until he found a better way to make even more money! He has developed something he calls a Carbon Carousel. He just sells the credits round and round and round and round and round in the EU until he collects an enormous Moms cheque (Vat to you Anglophiles) and then disappears. He says he has skimmed over £20 billion just from this business strategy, just before his lille scheme was stopped by the British Customs and French Fisc., and has just bought Guatemala. No one bothered to tell the Danes about this and the business plan continued here in Danmark until the Dansk Skat closed the carousel doors down. Another 7 months of making of virtual herring fishing and only yesterday the Danish Skat c;losed down the fishing ground but Lars had looted another seven billion Dansk Kroener by then. Gordon and Nicolas S. will be getting the cold shoulder this week from the Danish Prime Minister I think. I wonder if Big Al was into this one too?

Anyway, cousin Lars is looking for agents in Europe for his next new business venture. He is long in something called white powder he tells me. I don’t know what he means.

Time to go Anglophiles, someone is knocking on the door and the rocking horse with nappies is not yet set up.

Mit luftpudefartøj er fyldt med ål

Glædelig jul og godt nytår

Danish kisses to all

(Mrs) Dansk Pastry


Apogee said...

Hi aspicasp.

Nice one. You would seem to have a good grasp of conferences and the EUSSR.


Oldrightie said...

A star is born!

Conan the Librarian™ said...

Hootsmon Headlines has a rival..

subrosa said...

Morning all. Erm... don't know about the photo though. Horrible haircut. :)

Wrinkled Weasel said...

That's what happens when you send out for coffee and a Danish.

Your pneumatic cousin is remarkably well informed on the climate change issue, though she is clearly aware there will always be knockers.

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...


Thank you, mange Tak!

Yes, I know my way around the EUSSR, The Kremlin, The Pentagon and the Hague. I have Laisser Passes to them all. A women's work is never done you know.

Now that my photograph is up I suppose some of the boys are too! Ha Ha!

Apogee you do not say whether you are the male or the female persuasion or anywhere in between. We here in Danmark are very open minded about pleasuring our bodies.

So whatever you are, even a politician, come on over to Danmark and I will do my best to make your visit memorable. If you have Gray moments and forget quickly we can have a video made to help.

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...

Old Rightie

As I said to the lille an above we can have an aide memoire video made for you of your coming to Danmark!

Mit luftpudefartøj er fyldt med ål

Mange Tak

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...

Ah Mr Hootsmon, are playing hookers from The Global Central Heating Conference, like you did last week.

What a beard you have.

You really must smoke less as your beard smells like a Carbon Sink. Maybe you get a EUSSR subsidy for it?

Come again later today even, please Mr Maddogs from The Hootsmon

Danish Kisses, again

wv = STAGBIG, just like you Maddogs, you naughty big boy!

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...

Subrosa, don't be a catty, remember I live in a Cat House and I can scratch your eyes out!

Your hair is little bit windswept and not so interesting!

wv = strupe

Strumpe are socks in Danish!

Pull yours up Woman!!

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...

Ah, Wrinkled Weasel what can I say?

wv = limpers

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...

Sorry WW, not very polite was I?

We are giving a free go to delegates in Kobnhavn this week.

For you and you only we will make an exception.

The Last Of The Few said...

Ah Ms Pastry,

Welcome on board so to speak.

Personally it was a pleasure to see your musings on Subrosas blog.

I must admit I hope to see more of you positions and thoughts on them.

Personally I always like a Danish myself first thing.

Do keep it Up!!!

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...

Ah Last of The Few!

I wonder why you call yourself that!

Do you have halitosis?

No kisses for you then!

banned said...

"Thor Pedersen has nearly blown the fest out of the Skattegatt by saying that Global Warming is a dangerous unsubstantiated theory and it has entered the political arena without real scientific scrutiny" Top Bloke !

Ta for letting me know just how Al deals with all the $millions that he scams of gullible companies for his fantast carbon offset schemes.

banned said...


brownlie said...

I can see a definite family resemblance!

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...

Ah Banned"

You are not banned here big boy.

Come on, you know it makes sense!

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...

Oh dear Brownlie,

I just had a look at your photograph on you blogging profile.

I bet you wish you had a family resemblance, to any family I suppose.

Keep it up

Jim Baxter said...

As polished a debut as anything I can recall.

McGonagall said...

A Danish Fado singer?

Clarinda said...

Mine's a Tuborg Subrosa - but like your Danish cousin, I agree that making the most of one's natural assets is a pertinent pursuit especially when things get a bit nippy.
It is, however, a little more tricky trying to make out whether the climate warmist gang are really exaggerating their statistics or have the skeptics yet to raise their game?

When did Climate Warming change into Climate Change?


Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...

Kisses Scunnert

Maria Severa Severa Onofriana I am not although I can warble my tonsils to great delight.

We may share a pass-time but she is long gone and I am living on the edge Baby!

How's the all-nude bars in Windsor big boy?

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...

Ah Clarinda,

Climate Warming morphed into Climate Change just before it was announced that the EAU servers were hacked. Funny that?

Just before that we had the hole in Ozone layer which has suddenly shut up or at least it speaks not so loundly.

I believe that they are explaining the increase on one side of the Antarctic Ice Cap to the re-emergence of that same hole. Funny that?

Looks as we need ore holes in the ozone layer to cool the planet down. Bring back these old CFC fridges I say and send them all to the Equator.

If you can get any odds yet at Political Betting.Com punt a few Kroener on Water Shortages as being the new eco-religion rallying point.

It is all sitting there, with semiotics being refined as we speak, ready for the next roll-out.

brownlie said...

Mrs Danish,

You must have terrific eye-sight to spot me in that scenery! You, obviously, did not have a mis-spent youth like me.

McGonagall said...

Miss DP "Big Boy?" Has mah wife been braggin again? Nude Bars? Surely you mean "Gentlemen's Clubs"?.

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...

Hello Jim!

Are all Scotsman called Jim or Jimmy?

They are over here!

I remember one tie in Glasgow, visiting the family, that I had a cocktail or two in your Bar on Sunny Govan Road.

If it is you, you must be communicating with a ouija board.

Why not I say!

Pity we cannot meet, not for a while, I hope, because would like to take you to 7th Heaven.

Clarinda said...

Good grief Mrs Pastry - I'll have to examine my Ross Peaks (seriously!) - a mountain range on the South Orkneys named after my ancestor Alastair Ross the taxidermist on Bruce's Antartica expedition in the early 1900's!

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...


Taxiderist in the family, then you have "form?"

Clarinda said...

Och Mrs Pastry - I remember your husband; Mr Pastry - who was on the BBC in the 60s and awfully good as the solo particpant in his ballroom re-enactment of The Lancers which is still available on 'you tube'!

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...

Steady now Clarinda, we are showing our age, we two.

Jim Baxter said...

Dear Danish,

You seem like my type of lady - just the faintest hint of unconventionality. If you plan to organise a Copenhagen Unconvention please let me know, esapecially if it is a trade unconvention. I've had my share of trade in my time.

I'm glad you enjoyed a cocktail in my bar when I still had it. I used to make a drink known as 'Little Mermaid' myself. Recipe - empty three bottles of vodka into a bucket; top up with a bottle of vodka to taste. One of those would really knock your head off.

I still try to keep abreast of developments, as much as a Jimmy who's had it can be expected to.

Danish Pastry (Mrs) said...

Oh Jim, which nursing home are you in?

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